I really DO want to be sedated.
Please.
Someone.
In preparation for delightful testing tomorrow, I have not been able to eat food since 8:00 pm last night. I went for an invigorating run: my first since Saturday (tragic, I know) and feasted on banana and peanut butter for my last supper. Today, it has been champagne wishes and caviar dreams all the while consuming 200 oz of clear liquids. Green tea for breakfast, water, water, water, oh did I mention water? - and two cups of coffee, then some more tea, and finally - when I was at my breaking point - white cranberry juice and Italian Ice. It is only quarter after 2 and I'm spent. Also, I have been evacuating my bowels like gangbusters. Puzzling to say the least.
Now lest my rant wear out its welcome, dear GGs please tell me how on earth someone with no food in their system is called to the loo thrice in the space of 30 minutes with epic squirts? How is this possible? Where is it coming from? All I can say is pity the poor soul (read: my father) who has to drive me to/pick me up from the facility tomorrow, making sure I don't crap my pants in public. I'm not above Depends. Honestly.
For those of you who have done it, you know there is nothing else on earth like feeling the urge come over you with nowhere to run. Then there's the faint gurgle and the sudden warmth in your drawers that confirms it: yep, you shat yourself or sharted or whatever. It happened. Get over it. (except you can't because it's probably the single most embarrassing occurrence you will ever have. Anyone, ah, care to vouch for this one?)
Additionally, for those who know the drill with any kind of "-oscopy/biopsy" there's an unpleasant flushing of the bowels that must occur, catalyzed by super-sized doses of Miralax shaken in giant bottles of Gatorade. I have yet to embark on this adventure but it makes me wonder: if I'm already quite free flowing at the moment, what in the name of holy Dulcolax s is going to happen to me when I put that on top of my current condition?
How very exciting-a futile experiment in the making! Can't wait to tell you all about it...
Until I come to, my friends -
xoxo,
GG
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